How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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