She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
