my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
