covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
