Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
