i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
