And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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