her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
