All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
