On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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