Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
