She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
