i already hear my dad disowning me
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
