Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
