Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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