Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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