Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
