Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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