Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
