let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
