I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
