Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
