i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
