i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
