I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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