I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
