Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
We had sex on a dog bed..
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
