The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
