this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
