My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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