What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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