I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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