both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
