I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
