I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
