just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
