It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
