she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
