When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
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Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
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Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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