I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
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Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving