i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.