Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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