im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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