Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
