i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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