My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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