last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
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Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
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When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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