omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
