just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Randomize
