I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
