well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down