Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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