i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina