so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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