Umm I'm too high to move.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
