I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
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