Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
