I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
BRING THE BAGELS
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
