false alarm. still invincible.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
